Saturday, September 17, 2011

Who on earth let Tyra Banks write a novel?!?!?!


I cry, I really do. That some people are reduced to such low actions. Yes. Tyra Banks wrote a book. Modelland. To be precise.
My eyes are streaming with tears, ears are burning and I don't think I can feel my fingers. (well, maybe not the last one, or else i wouldn't be able to type properly)
Yes, what has the reading world been reduced to?!?! WHAT IS THIS?!!??!?!?!

I haven't even read the book, and I can tell you it will be very... hmm... **thinks up least offensive word possible** special. Yeah. Special, that's my nice way of saying it'll be horrid. Why? I hear you ask. Just listen to the main character's name: Tookie de la Crème. Is she meant to be some kind of desert?? The poor girl, if I were her I would change my name, heck I'd change it to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock (that's a Friends quote for those of you that think I’m slightly weird) Anything but that.

Oh my fellow book lovers, i fear we may have to go into hiding. I'd write a petition telling Tyra to just shred any piece of evidence on this book, but it's too late. She's gone and had it published. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING!?!?! I feel bad that she's spent 5 years of her oh-so-short life slaving away to write this book, I’m amazed by her actual determination.

Watch this clip. Here. and cry. oh. Tyra darlin' you've got a little something on your face. oh wait it's a smize. **facepalm** Oh, and look how happy she is when the cover of the book is revealed... i'm going to be very shallo here and say that it looks like trash compared to covers like Fallen and Hush Hush (yes i'm being bias), but i honestly thought it'd be something more... plastic? pretty?, Why? because it's Tyra Banks here, and she makes a living on looks. People DO judge a book by it's cover, and i'm just gonna put it out there: people wouldn't really pick up Modelland if it was judged according to the cover. oh and it has a Smize, **scoffs**

Something i picked up on: she's going to Harvard?!?! WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!? Ugh, what has the world become, maybe we should just call up the nearest apocalypse and have it reschedule for today :)

Wow, i dare not read this book for fear of losing half of my already limited brain cells. Modelland is aparently aimed at YA, an alternate world full of magic and models. Tyra, my sweet, I don't think you're aware but models and magic don't mix. At least not the way you're writing it. Who in their right mind would read this book??? Unless it was out of complete boredom, or some sort of dare?

Dang, now I’m feeling bad, I haven't even read the book and I’m judging it. That's just not cool. But. yes big BUT, in my defence, I’ve read several reviews all of which feature unfortunate readers who want to erase the past couple of hours from their memory.

I've just scanned the first chapter--I know, I’m heading into the bathroom to puke as soon as I finish this post-- And I’ve just encountered several interesting facts:
A) some names are normal
B) some names aren’t.
I think Tyra was going for something memorable. But, man oh man are these names special. Going onto the list consisting of Tookie de la Crème are:
Theophilus Lovelaces - yes, this is an actual character name. **snort** yes I actually snorted when I read this, who wouldn't??? **mentally add to my list of what NOT to name my child**
Zarpessa Zarionneaux- eugh, Zarpessa sounds like something Tyra made up by throwing together some random syllables. It sounds like something I’d name my cat, wait scratch that, I wouldn't want my cat to suffer and die of embarrassment.

memorable quote:
The hairy hag was Abigail Goode, sideburns in full glory, faint moustache above her upper lip, unshaven leg hair coating her calves, underarm hair swaying in the wind

Wow, "underarm hair swaying in the wind", I think that's a little far, don't you? hahaha. I might actually read this just for laughs, should I really put myself through all that suffering??

ok, those of you who want to check this out for yourself. Click here. Go on, I dare you. But be warned; keep your puke bag handy.

:)

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